Hmm... I haven't wanted to write this post. I have been avoiding it, really. But, my conscious (and God) have been telling me to reflect about my selfishness.
I have to be careful, though, because this type of reflection can lead me down a path that isn't very healthy where I don't think of myself in very positive ways, and thus don't think I deserve to be around people. Crazy and intense? Yes. But, that is my mind for you, and I think you all know me well enough to know that I am going to be as honest as I can around here. :)
Now, objectively, one could say that I am pretty unselfish... I am a nurse, for crying out loud! I went to Honduras! I serve my church! I help with my friends' kids! All of these things are true... and good... and are/were done out of a selfless desire.
But, it's the thoughts in my head. The feelings I get in the everyday, when my selfish side rears it's ugly head. It's not fun.
It's those moments when someone asks me to do something, and I am so inconvenienced by it, that I say mean and hurtful things in my head. Never out loud, of course, but it doesn't make it any less sinful. I am not proud of this.
Because, of course, I will always follow through with whatever was asked of me, and end up enjoying it, or at least feeling satisfied that I was able to help and/or be of use in some way. It's in the asking and accepting part that I need to work on. I need to work on accepting things more humbly, without doing it begrudgingly. What I have found, recently, is that I am doing x, y and z, but I am starting to act like I am being inconvenienced. And who wants to be like that?? Not me! It's not fair. It's not fair to my friends who need my help. It's not fair to the kids I work with at school. It's not fair to my family. It's not fair to me- for I am selling myself short.
Most importantly, it's not fair to God. He sent His son down to this earth to suffer and die on a cross. For us. For me. He endured some of the most horrific things, because his Father asked him to do it. Sure, Jesus could have said no. But, He didn't.
As I was by myself for most of Good Friday, yesterday, staying away from the Internet, social media, not listening to music, etc, I found myself thinking a lot about my selfishness and Jesus' selfless act of love. We humans tend to be selfish in a lot of ways, and forget that Jesus died so that we don't have to be selfish. He sacrificed Himself, so that we know how to sacrifice for others. He has called us all to love in this way. As love is to give of yourself for the other person, being selfish, obviously, is all about you. It's not what God had intended, and we owe it to Him, and each other, to do our best at practicing the art of selfless love.
That's what I offered to Him, as I went up to venerate the cross. I kissed his wounded feet. His feet that carried Him, and the cross, to the place where He would prove to be the least selfish person that walked the earth. To realize the weight of my selfishness, and other sins, is overwhelming... and humbling.
|This was from Easter when I was in Honduras.|
Everyone had rope and we tied knots into it, which signified our sins.
When we venerated the cross, we hung our "sins" on Jesus.
Talk about an intense visual.
So, I pray that I will be able to accept this challenge. To not get so annoyed when people ask me to do things. To do more things for others, just because it's what you are supposed to do. And, I pray that each of you will be able to love more selflessly. Because, as Morgan wrote, the more you give of yourself, the more you desire to give of yourself. And the more this happens, the more you will not feel burdened by these opportunities.
I hope you all had a holy and reflective Good Friday. May His love and sacrifice encourage you to love others better! And, have a wonderful, joyous and blessed Easter!
I am sure you all have wrote and linked up already, but if you haven't, be sure to head on over to Morgan's to get that taken care of! :)
Most of us here feel called to the vocation of marriage...but what is it exactly that you're attracted to? What have you seen in others' marriages that you've learned from or would do differently? (maybe this is from married friends or your parents!)